So what does a premier or Bottom appear to be in Queer Intercourse?

Queer women can be usually down to really enter it as to what we *mean* when we explore
‘topping’ or ‘bottoming’
— so can be we! Which explains why we did
a complete thorough study
of y’all on the topic a few years back, carrying out the evaluation on which y’all imply as soon as you speak about
surfaces
,
soles
,
switches
, and
a lot more
. As ever appears to be the outcome with our team, however, it felt like there was more to process right here. No matter how a lot study data we collect, it is tough to find the way these tips play in our very own real lives, and just how two people utilizing the same terms on their own might embody all of them extremely in a different way. It felt like the only way to really explore how that takes on away would be to, you know, talk to both — so discover some discussions among AS staffers looking to get towards base of what queer intimate characteristics mean in our real lives. Finally time we talked-about
what our very own various sexual identities «mean»
!

This conversation was actually around examining the concern of:

Exactly what do we feel the sexual IDs «mean» about united states as «people», our personalities or mental landscapes when we ID a particular method? Do they will have overlaps with the feeling of home outside bed, or no? Do we will assume this about others (that a romantic date can be a bottom if they are coy, or a top as long as they purchase products)? Can we see other individuals assuming these matters about us (or projecting them onto us)? Perform these things look like social shorthands, assuming so can be they irritating or beneficial? Or carry out they reach authentic ways in which our sexual dynamics are normal expressions of other parts in our personhood?

---

Malic:

I have had folks assume that I’m a leading because I’m masc and that I’ve had people assume that i am a base because I’m physically tiny. This frustrates me to no conclusion, thus I never presume exactly how other people determine their intimate parts. Declaring an identity term like «top» or «switch» seems extremely basic, but often those terms assist start discussions about intercourse with people I’m dating. Sexual identification terms are specifically beneficial whenever someone seems self-conscious about obtaining «extreme» delight (wooow, patriarchy has actually done a number on you) and that I can guarantee them by saying, «Remember, i am a leading!» (for example. «I adore achieving this to you personally! It is my thing! Providing enjoyment gives myself satisfaction! Lay as well as go on it!»).

Rachel:

Ugh Malic that is so shitty when people believe something about yourself as a person according to the exact real human anatomy!

Malic:

Basically could decide to get bigger, i’d (generally therefore I could squeeze into menswear). But this is exactly what I’ve got!

Rachel:

We seriously don’t think or guess any such thing considering external signifiers for anyone same factors above, also because i think it can get essentialist in weird steps speedy (as an example, I am frequently described or thought by brand-new associates getting a «femme very top,» or sought out by folks mostly interested in femme tops, which will be so strange to me when I haven’t ID’d as femme in just about any discussion board, i simply have actually… long-hair?). But personally i think ambivalent, as it in addition feels good & attractive for me to be observed (correctly) as a top; I really don’t imagine folks in standard should really be attempting to pigeonhole BUT it does feel good (in my opinion) to have located correctly, where it makes me personally feel hot & affirmed in my own top-ness and as it feels as though i’ve been «profitable» for some reason in creating essential components of myself personally readable — or maybe more correctly, i suppose that individuals I relate to include witnessing myself precisely.

That I guess is like queerness as a whole – there is no way to «look» queer or direct and then we probably should not try to imagine, but in addition it seems great once I get successfully read as queer by other queers and bad whenever I have study as right.

Shelli:

Just what comes to me a lot of whenever thinking of the presumptions that individuals have beside me between the sheets, is that because i am very feminine they think that my goal is to be submissive – which once we spoken of
final time
, i have already been previously for certain women. Years back (not really much any longer, which ideally indicates individuals are mastering) they thought due to my size, all of us 14-16, that i am practically actually incapable of getting very productive during intercourse.

I’m most likely more versatile, active and full of energy than many smallest people i understand about fucking. If I’m wet and breathy during sex this means I’m having a lot of fun; it’s got nothing to do with my personal dimensions.

I have additionally experienced some women — and that includes non-black POC ladies — who’re wanting some type of exoticism because I’m black. Thinking instantly the sex should be wild and crazy or that i’ll strap all of them centered on this highly sexualized version of black females they’ve created within their heads and most likely observed on movie and television.

Vanessa:

I think once I learned i am really a bottom, lots of things clicked into spot. It really is stereotypical to assume anybody likes whatever fancy in bed due to looks or presumptions, naturally, but learning about MYSELF exactly how everything I like between the sheets correlates to how I are for the remainder of my entire life ended up being a truly fun revelation!

In addition to permitted me to be more singing and truthful with dates; I’m recalling one specific tinder date from in the past who I thought ended up being a leading from method these were flirting beside me, but I wasn’t 100% yes. They lived sorts of a distance therefore definitely would definitely end up being a consignment to help make a romantic date to see all of them, and I also ended up being putting-off inquiring if they were a top because I happened to be just a little timid, then again my companion was actually merely like «babe, it’s really not really worth the electricity setting this up if they’re not attending desire to fuck how you need fuck,» and therefore was actually very clarifying! I’m in no way proclaiming that all surfaces tend to be appropriate for all bottoms, that two soles can not have an extremely nice time together, etc etc, but I am saying that as soon as we’re online dating In my opinion we occasionally attempt so very hard to force one thing when it’s just not likely to happen, and being able to ascertain earlier on when the prospect of sexual being compatible could there be was ideal for me when making sincere slutty associations with others.

Read it here https://fatsingles.org/bbw-lesbian-dating.html

I wish to second Shelli that I think plenty of assumptions were made about me personally in past times re: how versatile or energetic i’m going to be as a result of my weight (I’m a small-to-medium excess fat person) but I largely resolved that by merely screwing different fat people today plus it RULES.

I additionally come across lots of happiness within bending into my personal bottom identification in the same manner it really is fun to slim into my personal dyke identity, my personal queer identification, etc. It is like another play ground that individuals all can perform in, and tease each other, and extremely get comfy where is NOT available to direct folks, and I such as that. Like for example my girl and I also constantly joke that because i am a Capricorn base i prefer becoming the no. 1 pupil, instructor’s dog, etc and since she actually is a Capricorn very top she loves to become instructor. Do all Capricorn tops/bottoms think? Perhaps not? But honestly seems like…yes? And that is a fun joke to create about ourselves, and an effective way to get a hold of lightness and play in sexuality and desire. I don’t know I am 100percent answering practical question here but that is how I think!

Rachel:

I do believe there’s something to this Vanessa for sure! Both in a playful method and a significant means – like certainly it really is FUN and funny to joke about it with one another, and gender is meant to be fun! I like having vocabulary for intercourse and like with regards to does not have feeling hefty, and I also have actually area within brands to joke about it. plus it feels like a trust-building romantic thing with a sexual companion to tease one another about becoming a premier or a bottom or whatever (and certainly will even be hot, and flirting!). In addition however, I have hung-up slightly thereon thing of like «she actually is a capricorn so she is a top, and I also’m a Capricorn therefore I’m a bottom!» I always talk about this with some one I became internet dating and whom I was very similar to – I became like ‘I feel think its great’s normal for me to peak because I’m these types of a control freak’ as well as would be like ‘Right, it feels natural for me personally to need to bottom and let go because i am these a control freak!’ Like the thing that makes that distinction??

Malic:

These astrology/ intercourse character jokes tend to be seriously relatable. As an Aries very top, we fuck to win.

Vanessa:

«I bang to win» oh my GOSH Malic revealing by using my personal Aries bff straight away. Rachel I believe one of several hottest reasons for energy characteristics in gender — which i think is what the top/bottom/switch parts in many cases are pertaining to, and that I think causes quickly to kink material that I don’t also go into (additionally doesn’t have to lead to kink! but is a gateway!) — may be the way that similar individuality qualities can translate into wanting to fuck in different techniques considering different personality traits / trauma / experience / background / interest / etc

Malic:

I found myself wanting to show up one thing about different character faculties colliding, and Vanessa only nailed it.

Shelli:

I’m a double Taurus with a soaring in Pisces and idk just how that plays into my identification but I recognize all emails from the Astro queers in my own DM’s advising me the way it does (I’m not fooling – @AyoShelli on IG)

Vanessa:

And I would also like to delve into just what Rachel mentioned regarding the usefulness of having VOCABULARY to speak about what we fancy even if we’re not yes the reason we like it. To deal with the kinkier element of my personal identity somewhat, I think it’s really crucial that you understand that interaction in a world is KEY, and if do not know how to discuss everything we like and what we’re thinking about and just what all of our limits tend to be subsequently we’re in fact performing a disservice to our selves and the play lovers and potentially not even being safe. I’m a tiny bit shy to express even more but does that make sense?

Wow tysm Malic

Rachel:

Omg Malic… I’m in awe